Bit O Honey Buffet

When I was living in East Kermit, my dad did an amazing thing.  Of course he did lot's of things, some great, some strange, and a few amazing.  He had a thing for never throwing anything away.  Even stranger, he had problems with other people throwing away "perfectly good" things.  I can remember many times when we'd be driving somewhere, and he'd see something lying in, or beside the road.  He'd slam on the brakes, and bingo - we'd suddenly have another rusty screwdriver, or dead motor, or broken knife.  We ran out of room for all this stuff later on, and built a separate shed just to store it in.  We called it The Building.

Anyway, he came home one day when I was between three and four, carrying a big cardboard box of Bit O Honey candy bars.  (I couldn't read then, but I asked what they were).  I thought I'd died and gone to heaven, because there was nothing in the world I loved better than one of those candy bars.  Chewy, but nutty...the nectar of the Gods!  However, my dad warned me that these were not to eat.  My mom said - What in the Sam Hill are you talking about?

Turns out that dad had stopped at the little store on the corner, and saw the box piled up with the trash.  He'd taken it back into the store where they told him they'd thrown it out because it was infested with maggots.  Any normal person would have made a disgusting face, and dropped it...but not my dad.  He just couldn't stand throwing them away, and so had brought them home.  When my mom asked why, he said - I don't know..just seemed like a terrible waste.  So, she said get them out of the house and he took them out to our garage.

I'm still not sure what he thought he'd do with them, but I knew exactly what I was going to do.  I didn't know what a maggot was, but surely it wasn't anything that could keep me from getting my teeth into a Bit O Honey.  So, the next morning after dad left for work, I quietly sneaked into the garage in search of the box.  It wasn't hard to find, and it wasn't long until I opened it like a pirate's treasure chest.  My eyes were as big as dinner plates as I looked upon 40 or 50 of those amazing treats!

I picked one up, and tore it open quickly.  As I popped the first piece out of the waxed wrapping paper, something caught my eye.  The candy was wriggling in my hand, or at least some of it was.  I looked closer, and got my first close up view of a maggot.  They didn't look too appetizing I'll admit, but not very dangerous either.  I flicked one with my finger, and it didn't bite or do much of anything but wriggle some more.

So, I just flicked off all the maggots I could see and chowed down.  Mmmm...incredible and wonderful to be sure.  I ate the whole bar the same way, and left a scattered pile of squirming maggots on the floor.  I did have enough sense to put the box back where I found it, and hide the wrapping paper.

Every day I went to garage, and engaged in the same ritual.  Some bars actually had no maggots, and others quite a herd.  But I ate them one by one, at least one a day.  I was living large.

It never occurred to me that I'd get caught.  My mom noticed right away that I had almost no appetite at meal times.  I remember her putting her palm on my forehead to see if I had a fever, and then just shaking her head.  She asked me if I was ok, and of course I was - I was getting to eat my favorite food on earth every single day.  As the week went by, she got more and more worried about me not eating.

The end came quickly.  One day I went to the garage as usual, and was getting pretty lax on being secretive.  I pulled the box out, and opened the lid...all set to savor yet another treasure.  I pulled out a bar, and unwrapped it, but dropped it when my mom started screaming.  She was yelling things like  - disgusting, and sickening, and also saying some unpleasant things about dad.  She took the bar, and the box, and put them into the metal trash can and slammed down the lid.  I knew my dad was in for it when he got home.

When he did get home, it was one of the rare times when there was actual yelling in our house...all from my mom.  She kept asking my dad was he crazy, and what did he think he was going to do with those maggot infested bars?  Of course, he didn't have much to say.  I just looked at him, and he looked at me.  We both had sad, hound dog eyes, but for very different reasons.

And so ended my Bit O Honey buffet.  I still eat one now and again, but somehow they just don't taste quite the same as that special batch from the East Kermit quick stop grocery.

Lesson Learned:   Don't let a little obstacle, keep you from a big reward.